Tag: depression

Meds & Supplements, Mental Health

Depressed. Again.

Kerrie Smyres

Maybe the 5-MTHF was the depression trigger, but it was presumptuous to conclude the supplement was the only factor for my depression. I felt great for a few days after discontinuing 5-MTHF, then the depression returned, building each day until I awoke at 4 a.m. Monday morning to suicidal ideation. Don’t worry, suicide is not on my agenda and I’m fully aware these are not my own thoughts, but are fueled by depression. I’m not going anywhere, but it’s still terrifying to have these thoughts pop into my head.

So, after slowly tapering off antidepressants over three years, I’m back to them. I haven’t started any yet, but I’ve requested a Wellbutrin prescription from my therapist/naturopath (fortunately, naturopaths have full prescribing rights in Arizona). I chose Wellbutrin because it has fewer sexual side effects than other antidepressants, it has been effective for me in the past, and it’s relatively easy to taper off when I’m ready to stop taking it.

Even yesterday I was resistant to starting another antidepressant. It’s not that I’m against medication, but I don’t look forward to adding any more side effects to my life and I’m already juggling so many migraine-related variables that I’m reluctant to add one more factor to the mix. Still, the constant teariness and feelings of hopelessness, not to mention suicidal ideation (which hasn’t happened since Monday morning), aren’t doing me any favors.

I’m a little quieter than usual and now you know why. Contrary to my typical depression pattern, I’m still writing a lot of drafts, though getting them to a publishable state is beyond my current ability. I’m sad and frustrated and in a mental fog, but I’ll be OK. I’ve been through much worse depression before and feel fortunate to have caught this one fairly early. I’m also grateful to have an excellent therapist to help me this time around. Please don’t worry about me, though I always welcome your good thoughts, positive energy, prayers, or whatever it is you offer to others in times of need. I really will be OK, I just need some time — and some drugs — to get there.

Coping, Mental Health, Treatment

Depression, Illustrated

Kerrie Smyres

I’ve only mentioned my Lyrica trial in July briefly. I was on a low dose of the drug for 10 days and it took nearly a month for me to recover from the massive depression it triggered. Fortunately, I was aware that antiepileptic drugs can worsen depression and cause suicidal thoughts, so I knew that the medication was the culprit.

Having a medication change they way you think is scary, though not as terrifying as when the thoughts seem to come out of the blue, as they seem to with a typical depression. Hyperbole and a Half brilliantly depicts how depression can hijack your thoughts. The cartoon is worth a look if you or anyone you know struggles with depression, which pretty much covers everyone.

Coping, Mental Health

My Story of Chronic Migraine & Suicidal Thoughts

Kerrie Smyres

Since reading the brave post about migraine and suicide that Kelly from Fly With Hope shared last year, I’ve been trying to gather the courage to share my own experiences with suicidal thoughts and migraine. I finally did so today in a post on Migraine.com entitled Migraine and Suicidal Thoughts: One Migraineur’s Story.

If you are experiencing similar despair, I hope it helps to know that you are not alone. Please don’t keep your pain, fear and sadness to yourself. If you don’t feel you can talk to someone you know, contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at (800) 273-TALK.

Chronic Migraine, Coping

Finding My Spark

Kerrie Smyres

“I’m back,” I thought as I wrote Migraine’s Not the Boss of Me. “Kerrie’s back,” Hart said to me after reading In Gratitude for My Imperfect Body. Neither of us were excited merely because I’d posted or even that I’d written about feeling better and practicing yoga. We were both struck by the style in which the posts were written — we both heard my long-absent “voice.”

When I began to write last week, I experienced the same uncertainty as when I first started blogging. I felt awkward and unsure about my writing; not convinced I was presenting my thoughts accurately or representing my ideas in the “right” way. (I think this is pretty common when someone publishes their writing to a new audience.) My nervousness eased when, with Hart’s confirmation, I saw I’d fallen right back in as if I’d never left. The pile of draft posts I’ve written over the past few years is entirely different. Even the ones I deemed complete weren’t publishable. They all sound flat and hollow. There was a spark missing in those mediocre drafts.

There was, I realized in a sleepy haze in the middle of the night, a spark missing in my life. I rolled over, barely awake, and smiled as I thought of everything I could do today. I feel like I have options for the first time in years. The available choices in a day haven’t really changed — I could blog or cook or craft or clean — but anything seems possible and, even better, exciting.

I can speculate on reasons for this shift: Migraine has less of a physical, mental and emotional impact than it did. The episodes are less frequent and less intense. I am able to recognize the accompanying emotional fluctuations as a symptom of the illness instead of being carried away by depression. I no longer feel like migraine will suffocate me.

Whatever the reason, I’ve got my groove back. The passionate, creative, enthusiastic woman I thought I’d lost to migraine was only obscured, not destroyed. I’m glad I’m here to celebrate.