Tag: guilt

Chronic Migraine, Coping, Favorites, Friends & Family

You’re Doing Everything Right

Kerrie Smyres

“You’re doing everything right,” a friend wrote to me two years ago when my migraines were at their very worst. That sentenced has sustained me through many difficult patches. It has been so helpful for me that I want to tell you that you, too, are doing everything right.

The next 10 days afford many opportunities to talk with (hopefully) well-intentioned friends, family or co-workers who will tell you about the person they know whose horrible migraines were cured with a sun lamp/energy cleansing/daily enema. Maybe you’ll be lucky enough to encounter someone who tells you that all you need to do is think positive thoughts and your health will improve. Before you explode, try to take some deep breaths and remind yourself that this person probably means well but doesn’t understand the magnitude of your illness.

Then, instead of jumping on the guilt and self-doubt train that awaits folks with chronic illness (“I’m letting people down” or “I need to seek new treatments more aggressively”), remember that you are doing everything right. That’s really the only truth that matters. Whether or not you live up to someone else’s judgments, real or perceived, is irrelevant. Maybe you cancel plans or show up at the party without the requested potluck dish. So what. As long as you get up every day and try to live your life around your illness, you are doing everything just right.

Community, Coping, Friends & Family

Remembering Why I Blog

Kerrie Smyres

My mood lifted almost immediately after I posted on Monday. When I sat down to write, I had no idea what was going to come out. The ideas that flowed through my fingers surprised me. And released the reminders of why blogging has been a crucial “treatment” for my migraine and chronic daily headache.

While writing, I work through what’s bothering me and discover feelings I didn’t know I had. I speak candidly without worrying you will be distressed by what you read (as I fear my friends and family will be). In fact, there’s a good chance sharing my grief or guilt or pain will somehow help in your journey and provide comfort. I also don’t have to pretend to be someone I’m not. You come here knowing I have a chronic illness. You don’t remember who I was before I got sick, so you don’t miss who I used to be. Nor will I scare you off by talking about my struggles, as I feel I do many new people.

Whenever I talk about the blog, I focus on helping other people who are in a similar situation. I say the relief and support I get from it are lovely, but I’m really doing it for the readers. Now I see I am the true beneficiary. Even though I have been absent much of the last two years, this community has been crucial in my emotional healing. Thank you.

Chronic Migraine, Coping, Triggers

The Trade Off: A Scheduled Migraine Day

Kerrie Smyres

I drove more than three hours to my sister’s house yesterday so I could surprise my nephew on his 10th birthday. I had to be home for plumbers this morning, so I could only stay for a few hours. Cramming nearly seven hours of driving, lots of caffeine and bad-for-me food into 13 hours ensured I’d be sick today. I went anyway.

After years of constantly overdoing it and constantly being sick, I learned I become terribly ill when I push myself too much. Now I know to hold back; sometimes I think too well. I’m stuck at home with migraines so often. There’s only so much time I can give up because one might come along.

Last year, a friend taught me that I don’t have to shirk anything that might make me sick — even if it is something that I’m absolutely positive will result in at least a day in bed. She showed me I can choose certain times to push myself without doing it every single day. The trick is knowing one day of indulgence can lead to one (or more) days of feeling awful.

When planning yesterday’s trip, I factored in today as a sick day. Other than letting the plumbers in, I made no appointments or plans. I stocked up on easy food and checked out a good audiobook. By intentionally making a trade off, I feel no guilt.

I know I should never feel guilty for being sick, but I rarely do what I should. Today I can see what a reprieve it is to just let myself be as I need to be.

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Coping, Friends & Family, Mental Health

Guilt: How Do Family & Friends Really Feel About Sick Loved Ones?

Kerrie Smyres

We feel guilty because our partners, parents, kids or friends take care of us when we’re sick. Not only that, they have to pick up the slack of the of chores, errands and responsibilities that we couldn’t take care of.

We feel guilty because we call in sick to work, cancel plans with friends, sleep too much, tell everyone around us to be quiet, have dust bunnies under our beds and in the corners and even in the middle of the dining room table.

We feel guilty because we don’t go to our kids’ soccer games, return phone calls, stop to chat with neighbors, enjoy the sunshine/snow/rain, take the dog for a walk, cook dinner.

I wrote that last September and was overwhelmed by the responses from people who also feel guilty for letting friends, families and coworkers down. Lots of us obsess about this, but have you ever asked them if they truly feel let down? I haven’t.

The teacher of my meditation class told stories of previous class members who were wracked with guilt and worried that their families and friends were disappointed in them. Actually asking the families and friends revealed an entirely different truth: They did not feel let down, but were sad to see their loved ones suffering. They all felt helpless and wished they could do more for the person with illness.

So the guilt is on both sides. If only we could figure out how to meet each other in the middle. Have you asked your loved ones what your illness is like for them? Let us know in a comment on this post or on the online support group and forum.

Coping, Favorites, Mental Health

The Guilt of Letting Myself Down Over and Over

Kerrie Smyres

Guilt and I spend a lot of time together. It is my closest friend, a friend I happen to despise. This is one bad relationship I don’t think will ever end. I feel guilty when I let anyone down, especially when that person is me. Multiple times a day I make promises to myself and multiple times a day I break those promises.

Lists are essentially promises to oneself. You plan to do each item on the list: make a phone call, clean the kitchen, have dinner with friends, pick up the house, etc. Organized folks will assign realistic dates to tasks. I give deadlines too; usually leaving 48 hours to accomplish all 12 items. Then berate myself for not taking care of them.

I’ve always had high expectations for myself. Even after all these years of migraine and chronic daily headache impeding my success, I think I can do more than I’m physically capable of. I believe I should be able to do everything I want or need to do, even without realistic parameters. Thus starts the cycle of self-blame and guilt.

Letting myself down — and feeling horrible about it — day after day haunts me. Being self-critical is my way of life. I don’t think being hard on myself is the only problem here, but don’t know what else is at work.

Triage is more important than source-sleuthing for now. Not calling myself a flake is probably a good start! After that I’m stuck. I can’t stop setting goals; that would be giving up on my life and giving in to migraine and chronic daily headache. Where is the line between labeling something as unrealistic or as a goal to strive for?

Prioritizing is the most obvious solution. Even that is confusing. How to prioritize when I might not get to the priorities? How do I choose what I really need to do? When do I choose what I want to do over what I need to do?

Learning to let go when I can’t follow through with myself seems helpful — and impossible. Cognitive behavioral therapy, perhaps the ideal solution, isn’t going to make it into my schedule anytime soon. Any suggestions?

photo credit: Raul_d50